So how's the big life change going, Michelle?
Swell. I killed a box of swiss cake rolls this week. In one night. And I would rather nap than take a walk. So yeah, I'd say I'm headed in the right direction!
The depression and postpartum are killing me. Most of my days are great, I've go crazy amounts of energy and feel fabulous! But then I have days like today--I didn't even get out of my pajamas. And going for a walk? Doubt it. Too much work. It's too hot out. Sam was napping. I used all of 'em, every excuse I could think of. Only now, at 10:30pm do I feel guilty for it.
I guess maybe I don't want it that bad? I don't want to be able to climb stairs without feeling like I'm dying. I don't want to spend less on clothes because I can buy anything almost anywhere. I don't want to feel better when I get out of bed. Because if I wanted all of these things, I'd stick with the plan, don't you think? I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm starting over. Shaking the etch-a-sketch and starting fresh--I can do this.
I looked into a membership at the Y. (I'm not using it's full name because I don't want that damn song stuck in my head all night.) That is some expensive family friendly healthy stuff my friends. They have a scholarship of sorts for those who cannot afford their ridiculous prices--so I filled out the forms and I'm going to go in Friday and talk to someone. We can'd afford much, but if we can budget somehow for a membership there, it will be good for the three of us in the long run.
I'm thinking water aerobics is a good way to start. Low impact. Easier on my knees. We'll see!
Tomorrow is a new day. So "Michelle's new lifestyle!" take two!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
C is for Cookie...*barf*
I thought I was doing really well--no junk in my house, no eating out (well, some but not nearly as often as before) and substitutions for the not-so-healthy stuff. And then...I went to the Dollar Store. Oy. My willpower was no match. I was having a good day, the sun was out, Sam was happy, traffic was light...how I managed to walk out of there with cookies, swiss cake rolls, brownies and chewy sweet tarts, I don't know. Now I could lie like a rug and say it was for Travis and myself--but if you know Travis, you would know that is a load of bologna. (And FYI, I had to sing the Oscar Meyer song to spell that correctly!) He has an itty-bitty sweet tooth and mostly for stuff like licorice, sour candy and Dr. Pepper. I am the one with the problem, the addiction--CHOCOLATE! So everything in my recently purchased tote, thank you Seattle for trying to save the planet...but seriously, you make my shopping a pain in the ass with this no-plastic-bag-nonsense....where was I? Oh, yes, everything in my bag was for me. And I giggled with delight at the fact that I didn't have to share it with anyone! Before I pulled into the driveway, a few swiss cake rolls had vanished. Before bedtime, the box was empty. I tackled the brownies this morning and the cookies for lunch and linner. Shame, shame, shame on me.
Playing with Sam on the floor, I thought, "I don't feel right--I need to lie down or something..." Hello mega sugar crash! It took 3 giant glasses of water and two bagel sandwiches to pull me out of my sugar funk, and I still don't feel right. Now I stare into the trash can by my bed, looking at wrappers and boxes, feeling the guilt build up inside..."Hey inner fat kid, we are never going to wear that wedding dress if you keep this up! And you can forget the new swimsuit."
I had myself fooled. On the outside, things felt fine--they appeared to be okie dokie. But they are not. Stress is heavy right now, coming at me from all directions. And normally I'm pretty good at deflecting the issues that aren't mine, but lately I've been soaking up other people's problems like a dry desert when it rains. I have been having horrible dreams, nightmares really. Anxiety attacks during the day and now I'm eating my stress without realizing that's what I'm doing.
Life is a tricky bitch. I feel like life is similar to the game Whack-A-Mole--and I only have one good hammer. I'm the kid who never gets enough tickets to win a cool prize, I always walk away with a candy necklace and a whoopie cushion. I have a lot to sort out, a lot to work on and a LOT to ignore in order to get my life in gear. That's the hard part, ignoring things and people. I have an idea of how my life needs to be, where it needs to go from here and in order to make it all happen...and to do so without needing a rascal to get around, I need better focus on my health. Because if I keep eating my stress, if I keep replacing all of it with cookies and swiss cake rolls...I'm going to go into a diabetic coma.
So tonight, I grabbed my inner fat kid by her three chins and said, "listen lady! We better get it together because I refuse to wear my pregnancy pants and buy more summer dresses just to avoid feeling fat! So stop asking for chocolate and enjoy your goddamn apple!" :)
Playing with Sam on the floor, I thought, "I don't feel right--I need to lie down or something..." Hello mega sugar crash! It took 3 giant glasses of water and two bagel sandwiches to pull me out of my sugar funk, and I still don't feel right. Now I stare into the trash can by my bed, looking at wrappers and boxes, feeling the guilt build up inside..."Hey inner fat kid, we are never going to wear that wedding dress if you keep this up! And you can forget the new swimsuit."
I had myself fooled. On the outside, things felt fine--they appeared to be okie dokie. But they are not. Stress is heavy right now, coming at me from all directions. And normally I'm pretty good at deflecting the issues that aren't mine, but lately I've been soaking up other people's problems like a dry desert when it rains. I have been having horrible dreams, nightmares really. Anxiety attacks during the day and now I'm eating my stress without realizing that's what I'm doing.
Life is a tricky bitch. I feel like life is similar to the game Whack-A-Mole--and I only have one good hammer. I'm the kid who never gets enough tickets to win a cool prize, I always walk away with a candy necklace and a whoopie cushion. I have a lot to sort out, a lot to work on and a LOT to ignore in order to get my life in gear. That's the hard part, ignoring things and people. I have an idea of how my life needs to be, where it needs to go from here and in order to make it all happen...and to do so without needing a rascal to get around, I need better focus on my health. Because if I keep eating my stress, if I keep replacing all of it with cookies and swiss cake rolls...I'm going to go into a diabetic coma.
So tonight, I grabbed my inner fat kid by her three chins and said, "listen lady! We better get it together because I refuse to wear my pregnancy pants and buy more summer dresses just to avoid feeling fat! So stop asking for chocolate and enjoy your goddamn apple!" :)
Thursday, July 19, 2012
You put one foot in front of the other...AND PUT DOWN THAT DONUT!
This is not a diet. Diets are how I fail. Every. Single. Time. This is not a diet, this is a lifestyle change. Inspired by a few people, stories, scary news articles, feelings and Sam. :)
I have already slowly started this journey, and I thought it might help to keep track of things and have an outlet for the hard days. And let's be honest, there are a LOT of hard days coming my way. I am going to be real, in this blog I have nothing to hide. I am going to call myself out on some bull, I am going to say things that might make some people uncomfortable. But if I don't keep it real and honest, I will fail again.
I am fat. And tired. And tired of being fat. Do you ever feel skinnier than you really are? I hope that doesn't sound crazy--I will try to explain. YOU know you are thick or husky or big (or whatever you call yourself) and yet you FEEL smaller sometimes. Sometimes I think things like, "Well I don't have kankles so I'm not fat..." or "I don't need an extra seat on the plane yet, so I'm good." And then I see a photo of myself or step into a dressing room with the wrong size, and I am yanked so quickly out of denial and slapped in the face by reality, it makes my head spin! Denial and I are good friends. We go waaaaaay back.
Bianca is my biggest inspiration. She recently made a huge lifestyle change and changed the way she eats, which isn't easy for anyone, especially anyone like her--busy and always on the go. But she has a lot of self-control, and insane strength. Her goals are set and she doesn't budge (at least not too much ;-) ) from her plan. I want to do that. Sean inspires me, her recent weight loss before her wedding--I know it wasn't easy and it wasn't always fun, but she made huge progress and is so excited and proud. I am proud too! I want to do that. I want to feel that. Dr. Phil--yes, Dr. Phil--inspired me with one of his guests he had on recently. A success story, a woman who was defeated by her weight, a woman who worked so hard to be healthy again. I want to feel healthy like that. And Sam...he is already a busy boy. Once he figures out how to crawl, walk and run--I need to be ready! I want to take him places and do fun things, I don't want to be the mom who can't ride the roller coaster or won't go down the water slides because of her size. I want the energy to keep up with my kiddo. More importantly, I want to live long enough to watch him grow up!
So it begins. Not a diet, a change. I won't stop eating chocolate chip cookies...but instead of wolfing down a whole dozen in a sitting, I'll limit myself to two. Okay maybe three. :) Instead of the elevator, I'll take the stairs. Sam and I will walk a little farther each day than the day before. When I'm feeling brave enough, we will conquer hills. Baby steps.
It's easy right now, believe it or not, because we are trying to live on one income. It's hard to do. We have to watch our spending. We don't get to do a lot of things because we can't afford to do them. So I'm being practical about grocery shopping, because I have to be. I am cooking more, we are eating out less. And the more I read or watch online, the easier that last one is--people who handle our food are horrible. And it's grossing me out. I can't afford a gym, which is okay because I don't know how to use most of the stuff in it anyway and I'm uncomfortable in the gym...so I'd make up a dozen excuses to avoid going. I don't need the gym. I just need to go!
And finally, I will be honest. I have an eating disorder. I don't like the way that sounds--I didn't pay a doctor to tell me that. I have a problem. I can't stop eating. Most people eat until they are full, then they stop. I don't. I love food, love the smell, love the taste, LOVE it! I seriously will eat and eat and eat until I think if I take one more bite, I really am going to be sick. And five minutes later, glutton for punishment, I'm eating again. I eat when I'm bored (which isn't often because Sam keeps me pretty busy these days), I eat when I'm hungry, I eat when I'm happy and I eat when I'm sad. That last one is the big one--I eat my feelings. I survived Sam's stay in the hospital by medicating myself with food. Chocolate, mostly. And anything deep fried. It's a crazy war, I know what I'm doing while I'm doing it...I know it's unhealthy and my pants don't fit because of it, but I keep eating. Then when I'm done, I feel guilty. So I eat again.
That's the hardest part of this whole thing, trying to figure out how to substitute ANYTHING for food when I feel down. It helps that Sam loves being outside, he is miserable in the house and won't tolerate being lazy and laying around. He gets bored. He wants to go. So we walk--he's happy and for a few minutes I'm miserable!
My grocery shopping helps. If it's not in the house, you can't eat it! So when we go shopping I am no fun, Travis doesn't get his soda like he used to and we don't buy sweets like we used to and if it's frozen or unhealthy--we get ONE instead of a freezer/cupboard full. If I can make it, chances are it's healthier so I buy the stuff to make it. Bianca is helping me with that part too, I really don't know what I'm doing in the kitchen!
I do not expect results overnight. I really don't even expect to see results in a few weeks. I have a lot to correct, it's going to take time and hard work. My goals are not focused on what the scale says, they are more focused on how my clothes fit and how I feel. Eventually I'll step onto a scale and see where I am, but I will know just by getting dressed and daily activity, how I'm doing.
So here I go, one step at a time, one day at a time...one pant size at a time!
I have already slowly started this journey, and I thought it might help to keep track of things and have an outlet for the hard days. And let's be honest, there are a LOT of hard days coming my way. I am going to be real, in this blog I have nothing to hide. I am going to call myself out on some bull, I am going to say things that might make some people uncomfortable. But if I don't keep it real and honest, I will fail again.
I am fat. And tired. And tired of being fat. Do you ever feel skinnier than you really are? I hope that doesn't sound crazy--I will try to explain. YOU know you are thick or husky or big (or whatever you call yourself) and yet you FEEL smaller sometimes. Sometimes I think things like, "Well I don't have kankles so I'm not fat..." or "I don't need an extra seat on the plane yet, so I'm good." And then I see a photo of myself or step into a dressing room with the wrong size, and I am yanked so quickly out of denial and slapped in the face by reality, it makes my head spin! Denial and I are good friends. We go waaaaaay back.
Bianca is my biggest inspiration. She recently made a huge lifestyle change and changed the way she eats, which isn't easy for anyone, especially anyone like her--busy and always on the go. But she has a lot of self-control, and insane strength. Her goals are set and she doesn't budge (at least not too much ;-) ) from her plan. I want to do that. Sean inspires me, her recent weight loss before her wedding--I know it wasn't easy and it wasn't always fun, but she made huge progress and is so excited and proud. I am proud too! I want to do that. I want to feel that. Dr. Phil--yes, Dr. Phil--inspired me with one of his guests he had on recently. A success story, a woman who was defeated by her weight, a woman who worked so hard to be healthy again. I want to feel healthy like that. And Sam...he is already a busy boy. Once he figures out how to crawl, walk and run--I need to be ready! I want to take him places and do fun things, I don't want to be the mom who can't ride the roller coaster or won't go down the water slides because of her size. I want the energy to keep up with my kiddo. More importantly, I want to live long enough to watch him grow up!
So it begins. Not a diet, a change. I won't stop eating chocolate chip cookies...but instead of wolfing down a whole dozen in a sitting, I'll limit myself to two. Okay maybe three. :) Instead of the elevator, I'll take the stairs. Sam and I will walk a little farther each day than the day before. When I'm feeling brave enough, we will conquer hills. Baby steps.
It's easy right now, believe it or not, because we are trying to live on one income. It's hard to do. We have to watch our spending. We don't get to do a lot of things because we can't afford to do them. So I'm being practical about grocery shopping, because I have to be. I am cooking more, we are eating out less. And the more I read or watch online, the easier that last one is--people who handle our food are horrible. And it's grossing me out. I can't afford a gym, which is okay because I don't know how to use most of the stuff in it anyway and I'm uncomfortable in the gym...so I'd make up a dozen excuses to avoid going. I don't need the gym. I just need to go!
And finally, I will be honest. I have an eating disorder. I don't like the way that sounds--I didn't pay a doctor to tell me that. I have a problem. I can't stop eating. Most people eat until they are full, then they stop. I don't. I love food, love the smell, love the taste, LOVE it! I seriously will eat and eat and eat until I think if I take one more bite, I really am going to be sick. And five minutes later, glutton for punishment, I'm eating again. I eat when I'm bored (which isn't often because Sam keeps me pretty busy these days), I eat when I'm hungry, I eat when I'm happy and I eat when I'm sad. That last one is the big one--I eat my feelings. I survived Sam's stay in the hospital by medicating myself with food. Chocolate, mostly. And anything deep fried. It's a crazy war, I know what I'm doing while I'm doing it...I know it's unhealthy and my pants don't fit because of it, but I keep eating. Then when I'm done, I feel guilty. So I eat again.
That's the hardest part of this whole thing, trying to figure out how to substitute ANYTHING for food when I feel down. It helps that Sam loves being outside, he is miserable in the house and won't tolerate being lazy and laying around. He gets bored. He wants to go. So we walk--he's happy and for a few minutes I'm miserable!
My grocery shopping helps. If it's not in the house, you can't eat it! So when we go shopping I am no fun, Travis doesn't get his soda like he used to and we don't buy sweets like we used to and if it's frozen or unhealthy--we get ONE instead of a freezer/cupboard full. If I can make it, chances are it's healthier so I buy the stuff to make it. Bianca is helping me with that part too, I really don't know what I'm doing in the kitchen!
I do not expect results overnight. I really don't even expect to see results in a few weeks. I have a lot to correct, it's going to take time and hard work. My goals are not focused on what the scale says, they are more focused on how my clothes fit and how I feel. Eventually I'll step onto a scale and see where I am, but I will know just by getting dressed and daily activity, how I'm doing.
So here I go, one step at a time, one day at a time...one pant size at a time!
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