I thought I was doing really well--no junk in my house, no eating out (well, some but not nearly as often as before) and substitutions for the not-so-healthy stuff. And then...I went to the Dollar Store. Oy. My willpower was no match. I was having a good day, the sun was out, Sam was happy, traffic was light...how I managed to walk out of there with cookies, swiss cake rolls, brownies and chewy sweet tarts, I don't know. Now I could lie like a rug and say it was for Travis and myself--but if you know Travis, you would know that is a load of bologna. (And FYI, I had to sing the Oscar Meyer song to spell that correctly!) He has an itty-bitty sweet tooth and mostly for stuff like licorice, sour candy and Dr. Pepper. I am the one with the problem, the addiction--CHOCOLATE! So everything in my recently purchased tote, thank you Seattle for trying to save the planet...but seriously, you make my shopping a pain in the ass with this no-plastic-bag-nonsense....where was I? Oh, yes, everything in my bag was for me. And I giggled with delight at the fact that I didn't have to share it with anyone! Before I pulled into the driveway, a few swiss cake rolls had vanished. Before bedtime, the box was empty. I tackled the brownies this morning and the cookies for lunch and linner. Shame, shame, shame on me.
Playing with Sam on the floor, I thought, "I don't feel right--I need to lie down or something..." Hello mega sugar crash! It took 3 giant glasses of water and two bagel sandwiches to pull me out of my sugar funk, and I still don't feel right. Now I stare into the trash can by my bed, looking at wrappers and boxes, feeling the guilt build up inside..."Hey inner fat kid, we are never going to wear that wedding dress if you keep this up! And you can forget the new swimsuit."
I had myself fooled. On the outside, things felt fine--they appeared to be okie dokie. But they are not. Stress is heavy right now, coming at me from all directions. And normally I'm pretty good at deflecting the issues that aren't mine, but lately I've been soaking up other people's problems like a dry desert when it rains. I have been having horrible dreams, nightmares really. Anxiety attacks during the day and now I'm eating my stress without realizing that's what I'm doing.
Life is a tricky bitch. I feel like life is similar to the game Whack-A-Mole--and I only have one good hammer. I'm the kid who never gets enough tickets to win a cool prize, I always walk away with a candy necklace and a whoopie cushion. I have a lot to sort out, a lot to work on and a LOT to ignore in order to get my life in gear. That's the hard part, ignoring things and people. I have an idea of how my life needs to be, where it needs to go from here and in order to make it all happen...and to do so without needing a rascal to get around, I need better focus on my health. Because if I keep eating my stress, if I keep replacing all of it with cookies and swiss cake rolls...I'm going to go into a diabetic coma.
So tonight, I grabbed my inner fat kid by her three chins and said, "listen lady! We better get it together because I refuse to wear my pregnancy pants and buy more summer dresses just to avoid feeling fat! So stop asking for chocolate and enjoy your goddamn apple!" :)
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